face down, again buried in my bedsheets headache seeping through my tv screen it seems a little weird that my daydreams are far less realistic than the ones that i have when i'm asleep holding onto heartbreak like hands we used to hold a familiar strike against the senses, like stories you left untold that i knew you didn't know that i knew them and i still don't really feel like you have to the only question left to ask is how did this happen? what do i need to say to make things change? and the matter of the fact is i hate that i'm like this, but what can i do? i always hoped you wouldn't notice how much time i've wasted on lonesome nights inside, i gaze my eyes at the mirror looking just as hopeless as i do at this moment i guess it's no surprise i need to put more faith in myself confess i wrote the letter i put on yourself quit overcompensating for how numb i felt denounce decisions i mistakenly thought would help admit that there are things that i just can't control use all this dirt to fill up every gaping hole escape to a place that i can call my home, where i'm never alone because you're never gone because this isn't sustainable, just constantly walking in circles until my legs give in, proceed to rub raw the skin on my shins from crawling on concrete again it never ends.

when you talked about going home and i realized you were talking about a dorm room in another city, my head began to spin it finally clicked that you don't think of this as home and by the way you dot your i's, i can tell if you've been crying i can see right through the subtleties in all of the little things you do, even when i don't want to i'm sorry i don't know how it always comes to this my heart might beat right out of my chest and ride off into the sunset and i'm happy to let things go back to the way they were before, but first you need to know that i'm aware that in my youth, i couldn't recognize the truth for what it was until it blew up in my face and though it's true that i'm not new to feeling lost, i must include that i still don't know how the hell i got here in the first place and god i'm afraid that any day, i'll lose my will to keep my faith and throw my body down into the baltic sea and as i plummet, i'll be humming that one song that you were drumming on my pillow while i slept beside your feet or was that just a dream? i think i found a solution i call it never leaving home but i desperately need to warn you i can't do this on my own lately, i'm trying to stop feeling so caught up in keeping everything to myself just cause it's always better when i can just drag down somebody else i hope you feel better now.

Pardon how I don't beg around or hang out down on my knees, but I'll say please. And you won't give thought to that, but I'll ask And that fact might Make it hard to believe I couldn't care less about your word back, I'm fucking free And my message you've read it, Held it down and repressed it And that's good enough for me. And you'll have to accept that there's a bond that we both lack (lost) That would have helped me feel at ease when the room was spinning Had I known that before you turned your back And walked away I'd never stay (Hey) We made you And we did everything we thought we could do To be there for you As all for one but one for a few And now you've gone And buried that right where you're standing atop The ground Pretty, proper, and proud Drunken distress tends to give us something to say But I'm asleep by my phone Like there's not time today If you'd only meant it sober Then we could talk and that would be great But I just don't think that I have the time To try to rationalize with a snake So if you go, then stay away And pretend that I'll miss you til my dying day I believe that it's hate that makes me this way But don't test my faith And stay away We made you And we did everything we thought we could do To be there for you As all for one but one for a few And now you've gone And buried that right where you're standing atop The ground Pretty, proper, and proud So thank you For the toxic, backwards, miserable youth That you put me through Cause I can say I'm better than you And I hold myself to a far more understandable standard somehow I feel higher now But I was smarter when I was a liar

there was courage in the kitchen on the bottle shelf of the pantry another bandage for my broken will and my window, like a picture frame exposes footprints in the snow that pave a road back to your hollow home i noted everything you'd say every question and every phrase embedded in my brain to keep me from going insane you would think i'd be frank when i thanked all my demons for making the seasons feel less about leaving myself in a bend once again kiss the leaves on the trees for allowing my body to breathe then you found me, lying, waiting in a pitch black cloak of night within a bedroom i still wasn't used to yet and then you cast some sacred spell on me you summoned black holes around your eyes designed to pull me into them i hope this is the end wasteland, eternally elated happenstance, common cultist, wear your hand eight toppled trashcans like smoking guns bow down beneath a burning sun then vanish, vampire, for once for good.

i don't know what it is about your new tattoo that gets under my skin but i felt pretentious, so i never even mentioned it yet you still tried to explain so then i tried to run felt like i had to throw up then just before i got caught my medication wore off most nights i still feel like i lack a fundamental sense of purpose it feels like everyday i make the same damn mistakes i drowned the devil, now i'm waiting for his lifeless corpse to surface i wonder if he'll just stay at the bottom of the lake i'm on the road but i need to know how long before i can come home i'm all alone again and i need my friends to know i'm stuck in the snow but i don't feel cold, this is getting old i need someone to hold me close my nose is falling off my face...

i'm gonna have to call you back this has to be the worst damn morning that i've ever fucking had i don't know how close i'll come to feeling like myself again before the next time i wake up wasted, wondering where i am i could really use somebody's help last night i lost my keys and coat and phone and now i'm locked out of my goddamn house i don't remember where we were when i lost my consciousness the only memory i have is of you standing in my room in your floral dress wake up, still drunk off the last thing you said as you walked away try to remember the reason your insides are in the sink your night gown, a thorn crown the claws on your halo demand you bleed slow down and cough out the poison that made you fall half asleep because if you don't soon, you're gonna wish you changed your tune when your wallet's sitting empty and your breath wreaks to death of booze could this be why i'm sifting through my moods like phases of the moon since i last saw you? with both your hands shaking your chin buried in your coat you're tracing the snow as it slides across the outside of your window then as subtle as a whisper i hear you sputter out a sigh and right as i try to grab your hand up off your thigh you turned your face to meet mine, looked me dead in the eyes and said when will i learn that my body can't take this? and when will i care that my habits aren't harmless? and when will i try to mend my misdoings? and who will it help if you've never fixed anything at all?